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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

All I want is...

to be like you, and you, and you, yes, and you too. Sorry for the horrible picture, its part of the reason I am always the one behind the camera.  It's an example of what I am doing all the time it seems, looking around at those around me.  I see all of these wonderful women who at least seem like they have it all together, and the way they look reflects that. It seems like it never fails, no matter where I go, what blog I read, whoever posts on Facebook, they're better than me.  I cannot tell you how many blogs I visit and all I wanna do is copy and paste their whole page to mine, from colors, to fonts, to pictures, to wisdom, I want IT ALL. I know what the answer is- to not compare, to be the best God made me.  But I don't want to at the moment quite frankly, at the moment I'd rather stew about how Suzy has beautiful, full, curly hair, how Mary is tall and skinny, how Jane has a flawless complexion, how Lisa's children act perfectly, how Debbie is so much more wise and full of knowledge than I, and how Beth's blog is what I want all mine to be, and more....(sorry if I used your name, it wasn't my intent to peg anyone)
I guess this is a reflection of where I am in my spiritual walk and my depression.  I'm too comfortable where I'm at.  My flesh has started liking my depression I think because it is focused on itself, though I don't, nor do I like the negative mood it puts me in.  I need to do better at being in the Word every morning.  No more sleeping in, no more wasting time on FB, or reading non-important emails.  I gotta get going on this, or I won't make it! As I'm writing, I'm starting to wonder if I'm ready for this.  But then, if I'm not now, then when will I be? when I'm diagnosed with diabetes? or how about when I have a heart attach? or better yet, when my kids are all grown and they are all overweight and not expected to live long and healthy lives? WHEN JEN, WHEN IS ENOUGH GOING TO BE ENOUGH??????????

Where are you at on your journey?

God Bless,

Friday, January 21, 2011

God Is Moving

Hello All,

God IS SO moving!!!  The other day, the Lord put a dear person in my life that has truly and will continue to put my emotions and my prayer life to the test.  Thankfully this is not a person in my family, lol. It doesn't matter who this person is, or how the Lord is using this person.  Just know, that I know that growth is coming, OMGoodness, growing is coming!  I know that I should be and am growing every day, but this situation has/is pushing me to my limits.  There is no way I can ignore this, or put it on a back burner like I have in the past.

Praise the Lord for His Perfect Wisdom and plan for my life!

God Bless,

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Challenge

I have started following a wonderful blog called Women Living Well and found out that they have started a marriage challenge.  I think that's a wonderful idea, so I've decided to join in on the fun! :D So...

I am so thankful for my wonderful husband because he goes to school, does homework, provides for his family, plays with his 5 beautiful children, and still manages to spend time with me!  Thank you so much Paul, I am so grateful to have such a wonderful hubby like you! And I'm not saying this just because, lol. :D

God Bless,

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Baby Steps

Hello All,

Yeah, I'm on a streak!  I've been wanting to post for a little while now, but like I said in my last post, my perfectionism/extremist self wanted to wait till the perfect time.  Well, no time is better than the present.  I have started trying my fist BABY step, while trying to bypass the extreme part of me that wants to lose ALL the weight and lose it NOW.  My first baby step is to write everything that I put into my mouth.  I'm not even concerned about measuring it out, I just want it written down so I can see later on why I'm not losing weight, or rather, why I'm putting it on.  These past three days were my first to start the step and they didn't go well.  Mainly because I wasn't prepared, physically or emotionally.  I talked myself into guilt if I didn't eat what others had brought to the functions I was attending.  I also should have taken my own snack, or made sure I ate only the fruit.  Then of course the roller coaster went on the descend and I started eating whatever because of my frustration with myself for eating way too much.  So, tomorrow I'll be starting yet again to try to write everything down.  Its soooo frustrating because when I started all this, I only gave myself a year to lose a large amount, and yet I see myself two months down the road, still stuck at the same spot.  Emotions suck, enough said!
   I'm going to try and post what I've eaten and see how that goes, hey may be I'll suprise even myself and I'll actually post it, ;-)

God Bless,


Extreme Mesures

   It has come to my attention that I am an extremist, no matter what I do, it has to be extreme, or its not important enough to worry about, or it has to be perfect or it isn't done right.  So,.... in my weight loss journey, it has reared its ugly head once again...No matter how small the step, I have to follow through, to the T, or else I find myself on an emotional roller coaster, that usually finds itself free falling at a hundred miles a moment.  I want so much to stop this but I'm still figuring that one out. 
   I know that I'm supposed to give the Lord all of my thoughts feelings, and emotions, but its another thing to actually put that into action when I feel the way I do.  I can't even really describe most of it to tell you the truth, sometimes it almost literally feels like I'm drowning and I can't get up for air, no matter how hard I try to swim upwards.  They are so suffocating that even going to the Lord doesn't occur to me, until I have stuffed yet another stolen sweet, or another baking ingredient (chocolate chips), or easy lunch item that is supposed to be saved for Paul's lunch.....
   You know how sometimes you'll be talking to someone or even to yourself and as your talking about the problem, the answer comes to you in mid-thought.  Well, an answer came to me in the middle of thinking about those lovely chocolate chips that I have no more of. (HAha) Now, I know that this isn't the only answer, but it can certainly help.... drum roll please.... If it doesn't even occur to me to ask the Lord for His help when I am in a time of need, then I need to re-evaluate what I'm thinking about, what I'm filling my head with, and what I am telling myself I believe.  In other words, I need to empty my mind of those thoughts invading and conquering my mind and fill it with God's Word, especially those verses that apply to Him fulfilling those needs I have at the moment that aren't being filled. 
   Have you ever noticed after watching one of those hate but love shows you feel conflicted about where you are in life, how you look, what you haven't done, or have?  I may sound weak, but it happens to me often.  Either I don't look good enough, am not smart enough, should have married someone else (even though I have a great hubby by the way), wish I had "done something" with my life (even though mothering is the ultimate job, with the BEST benefits).  Like I said, no matter how good I really do have it, most TV/Movies/secular music, etc make me feel inadequate period.  I know that this doesn't happen to everyone so I don't expect everyone to throw their TVs out the window once you read this.  But those of you who are sensitive to what these programs are doing to your mind, body, marriage, relationships in general, please realize that watching these programs that affect you are not worth it.  That is part of the reason why we don't really turn our TV on in our home, not to mention the fact that we homeschool and have little ones running around that need to be running around and not glued to the tube. Speaking of which, I have recently noticed that every time I do get in a rut and let the kids watch more than 30min or so of TV all I get is attitude and laziness from them....which makes sense since that's how I feel after watching TV.  Sorry about the TV tangent, but it was bound to pop up somewhere/sometime. 
   SO, long pause, memorization is what comes to mind, of what you say? The Word of God, yes, back to the original topic, LOL.  Do you know how easy yet hard it is to memorize scripture?? Well, we have started AWANAS again for the semester and I'm sluggishly getting back into it.  Saying the verses over, and over, and over, and over again, until they aren't listening anymore and you find yourself in another room saying the verse to yourself, even doing a little jig to it if you memorize them the way we do, with a beat or music of course.  It takes thought, it takes being deliberate about it.  You can't expect to memorize anything just by looking at it a couple of times, listening to someone else say it, or even reading it 3 or 4 times.  It takes time, effort, thought, and thought is where we started this whole ramblings.  PS, yes, I know I said it twice, remember what your teachers in the past said, repeat, repeat, repeat. Lol ;-)
   I guess I've kinda answered my own conundrum.  I hope this helps you and blesses you as well.  I have had a number of women who have e-mailed me and encouraged me to keep up the good work, and I want to thank you so much for doing so.  It has helped me greatly, and definitely kept me going. At one point I really did consider stopping the blog, but you have shown me that my musings on here have blessed another soul, and therefore the show must go on. I love you my dear friends, you mean more to me than you know.

God Bless,

Monday, January 17, 2011

Only 354 days till.....

(Again, please note that this blog post is an even older post from my first blog)

I jump out of a plane, yes, that's right, jump out of a plane.  I dread even just thinking about it, even now, even as I've just made the decision to jump. LOL There are a few different reasons I'm doing this and refocusing my blog.  For the most part it will be the same, but much more intense and personal.  I have decided to focus on three aspect of my life this year with my blog:

1. Weightloss
2. My Faith
3. How does a Christian deal with depression

Because of my personality I have found that this is the only way to get myself on the right track.  If you take the time to do the DISC test which you can find on Facebook, it is quite helpful. I have found that I am a S.  For those of you who know what that means, you know I'm literally dragging myself out of my shell to do this.  My depression and laziness have driven me to the point of madness so I'm going to do something extreme by jumping out of a plane and making myself accountable to the world.  So no matter if people ask me how I'm really doing instead of getting the "fine" answer and being happy with that, they know whats really going on, even if its to my horror.

My hope with all of this is to grow in my faith so that I can jump out of the plane, because I know that if I don't there is no way they are even getting me into the plane on the ground.  My weight loss is an obvious one, it will also help ensure that I have a healthy heart for the jump, and a healthy heart for my family.  This journey is also about how a believer in Jesus Christ deals with depression.  I have heard both extremes on the issue and I'm wanting to walk my own path on this one, even if it does mean that I do eventually go and get a med that just helps conduct the positive changes that I'm making in this area.

I will be posting weight-ins, what I eat, exercise routines, even recipes, to see if any of ya'll like them or if any of you foodie people have any ideas on how to change them to make them healthier.  These changes are going to be a combination of drastic/gradual.  I don't want to go too drastic and then fall face first and decide not to pick myself up again.  I would love your support and encouragement. I hope I am an encouragement to you as well.

Thank you for starting this journey with me, I know its going to be a crazy ride, but roller coasters are supposed to be, right? :-)

God Bless,

Good Morning All

  (please keep in mind this is an old post from my first blog)

Good Morning All

I know I haven't been up on keeping this current,... its the depression and busyness of having a "large" family.  When I started this challenge I think I panicked, I also realized that I promised something that I probably could never deliver on ~ practically every detail of my life.  A few days ago as I was thinking about getting on and doing an update a verse from Proverbs came to mind, don't ask me which one though. A man who opens his mouth shows himself a fool, while a man who keeps his mouth shut conceals a matter.  Now, there is NO WAY that I'm to try to look like I have it all together, or know all the answers, I'm not even a doctor, I'm just a mom, trying to lose weight looking for the answers too.  But I'm not a fool either, so I will do my best to keep everyone up to date on what I think will benefit them and keep myself accountable.  Any information I put up here I will do my best to do whatever background research I can on. 

So my update thus far:

~I'm still at 258.2 (apx.) which is not necessarily a bad thing, means I didn't gain, right? ;-)
~I started to drink more water again.  I went from drinking practically nothing during the day to drinking 11.5 fourteen oz glasses a day.  I was told that I needed to drink half of my weight in oz.  So, that's what I'm trying right now.  To tell you the truth, I hope my body gets used to it, its a real pain having to run to the other bathroom in the middle taking our precious 2.5dd to the potty. If you have any information on how much water you have been told by your doctor to drink, please share your information, I'd love to hear it. 
~I also started doing squats and hula hoop moves in the evenings, esp the when the kids are playing in the bath, that way I can keep an eye on them and be doing something constructive, besides cleaning the bathroom. They are a killer!! Yesterday I was supposed to clean a home, and was SO glad when she canceled on me, my legs hurt so bad.  I have figured out a way to work not only the front of  my thighs, but also the inside, which is exactly what I want.  Now if only my hula moves worked so well.... Anyone got any suggestions???
~Obviously my depression is better today.  I was once told that self loathing is a myth, and that in depression you are just throwing a pity party and feel you deserve better than what you have.  Man is that a lot of huey or what! Yes, in depression you do have pity parties and in some depression, and some deal with the deserving part, but for my I deal with real self loathing and have major failure issues, that topped by the little agitation of my current situation in some areas.  Depression is real people, and its not what you think!  Sometimes it feels like that cloud that you would see over Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh.  It just won't leave, and it seeps into every thought you have about everything in your life.  It even can cause/facilitate forgetfulness.  Like, I keep forgetting my relationship with my Lord and how He loves me not matter what.  That my faith is not based on being good, but on having a relationship with Him.  Since this happens with Him, its a given that it happens with all of my relationships, especially with the people who love me and want to help me through this. 

Thank you all for keeping up with this, I really appreciate it.

God Bless,

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I....

love ya tomorrow.... um, yeah, Okay(?).  But what I do love is the fact that my hubby is getting in on this family blogging thing.  That's one of the reasons I've decided to switch over to this blog as a posed to the None to the Glory Blog I had up and going.  Another reason was that no one could find me because the URL had nothing to do with MY blog.  Yes I am still a newbie at this and yes I am NOT perfect, but I will try and keep this blog updated better.  I'll say more about it tomorrow, well, not in 30minutes, since it IS 11:30, but after I get to meet with some wonderful ladies at a get together that our gals do at our church called Mocha Monday.  I've only gotten to go a couple of times but enjoy it greatly.  So..... happy birthday Emery Family Blog!!  Lets see what this year holds for you!

God Bless,